How To Deal With Being Dumped Unexpectedly

Things didn’t work out and you don’t know why. Here’s how to recover properly.

There’s nothing more hurtful and confusing than getting dumped out of the blue. At least seemingly so.

It makes us wonder what happened, what went wrong, if we could have done things differently and many other racing thoughts.

Being dumped puts you in an incredibly vulnerable state. It may make you want your ex back or hate them altogether. Both feelings are quite normal to a sudden end, so we want to reassure you of that.

Let’s dive into how to respond to someone when they break up with you, dealing with being dumped unexpectedly, why you may have been dumped, how to cope with a breakup when you don’t want to.

Why did I get dumped out of the blue?

Feel like you got dumped out of the blue and you can’t figure it out? There’s a myriad of reasons why. But it all boils down to not being on the same wavelength.

Your ex may be at a totally different place, knowingly or unknowingly. Here are some common reasons why you may have been dumped unexpectedly:

• They figured out they have a fear of commitment

• They don’t feel good enough about themselves and hence the relationship

• They have too much on their plate and don’t know how to manage a relationship

• They’ve been masking how they really feel by telling you everything’s fine.

There may have given the odd Freudian slip (hints that people drop when they’re internally struggling) that you haven’t picked up on either. Maybe you asked if things were okay and they were dismissive, leading you to think the relationship was fine.

While it’s a good skill to pick up on subtle clues and address issues as they arise, it’s certainly not your job to help people be good communicators.

How to respond when someone breaks up with you

How you respond will either help or hurt your healing journey after being dumped unexpectedly. Here are some tips on responding to a sudden breakup.

1. Divert the attention back to yourself

It’s very easy to focus on the other person, what they were feeling, why they didn’t open up and more importantly why on earth they dumped you out of the blue. All of this gives them more power over your thoughts and feelings, so it’s important to look after yourself during the post-break-up period.

This can be a very lonely process at times. Here are our affirmations for loneliness that’ll help you get through this tough time.

2. Ask the necessary questions

If they’re open to talking, ask them what you need to know without the expectation of closure. It’s vital you remain calm and give space to talk. Lashing out can cause the other person to shut down or walk away.

By having a discussion, you can get a better understanding of the breakup, what went wrong and get their perspective.

On the flip side, you may not have the opportunity to ask them for the answers you need. Maybe they’ve disappeared or are unwilling to meet for a chat.

We get how hard this can be. Why not try asking yourself these questions instead?

• How can I make myself feel a little better today?

• What emotions am I feeling right now?

• Am I trying to get back together with them?

• If I can’t get the answers I need, who can I speak to and get my feelings out?

3. Don’t beg or try to force them to stay

The sudden abandonment can trigger a fight or flight response which may make us act out of character.

Begging someone to stay simply won’t work. You can’t make people change their minds (especially when breakups aren’t a snap decision) and it can push them even further away. It can make you appear desperate and ruin any chances of reconciliation (if the chance arises in the future).

4. Set your boundaries

Emotional and physical boundaries are very important right now.

Even if you’ve been dumped unexpectedly, you still need to set yourself boundaries to process and heal from it. It can be tempting to remain in contact, which they may want so they can ‘still be friends. This also means cutting contact to avoid sex, kissing and other intimate things you used to do with them.

While we believe exes can be friends at some point, but, post-break-up simply isn’t the right time. The continued contact can make you feel confused and prolong the hurt.

Ask for space and say you’ll reach out when you’re ready to talk.

5. Question your own intentions

Every action you take post-break-up will often be in an attempt to take away from how you feel. So ask yourself the following questions if you’re about to talk to your ex again, sleep with them, ask their friends what happened and the like…

• Am I doing this to take away the pain?
• What am I trying to achieve here?

6. Don’t try to save them

The person that dumped you may be going through things or have pre-determined judgements about your relationship which aren’t true. You may try to clear your name or make them change their mind. Those attempts will be futile, especially in this early stage.

Not only are you unable to change someones’ mind, but it isn’t your responsibility to. This is the beauty of adult relationships. We can use our experiences and newfound ones to look after ourselves and cultivate our own healing journeys.

7. Expect to lose friends

Losing friends can be a good thing. Yes, it’s sad when people take sides, or you lose the bond with your partner’s friends. It can put us in a lonely place for sure.

See this as an opportunity to form closer bonds to the people who love and care for you no matter what. Plus, it’ll make room for new connections in the future.

How to deal with a breakup

Here’s how to move on after a breakup the right way. Some of these tips may seem hard right now, but we promise you’ll want to keep referring back to them along your healing journey.

1. Try to see the bigger picture

Did you see a bright future with your ex? Was there something not quite right when you were together? Or both?

The most important thing to do here is to look at your relationship from the outside. It helps you see it for what it was. Yes, maybe you had hope despite the issues that you’d be together for a long time, but ultimately, things weren’t communicated properly and you’ve been left in the dark.

Relationships are a journey and you won’t meet the right person for you straight away. And if you’re at uni, it might be worth asking yourself if it’s better to stay single at university.

See this as a blip and know things will and do get better in the long run.

2. Try not to take it too personally

Being dumped hurts. It can cause feelings of abandonment and self-loathing. But it doesn’t make you a ‘bad’ person or impossible to be with. It simply means you were both on different wavelengths. The relationship for whatever reason wasn’t working and you’re not solely responsible (if at all).

Different relationships help us learn more about ourselves. Maybe we did make mistakes and perhaps we knew something wasn’t quite right. It’s all a learning process and finding what works best for us.

3. Don’t play the victim

It’s absolutely normal to feel sorry for yourself when you’ve been hurt. But when we shift to a victim mindset, it can prolong our pain and detract from what really matters: growth.

Plus, playing the victim can stunt our progress in manifesting love for yourself or from others. Shift your mindset to a thriving one and see this as an opportunity to pursue the things that fell by the wayside when you were in a relationship.

4. Grieve on your own terms

You’re going to feel a rollercoaster of emotions. We recommend doing so with loved ones and people that want to support you. Equally, you may be greeted with toxic relationship advice, which may make you feel worse, so it’s essential you be wary and do what’s best for you.

Ultimately, your ex communicated they wanted an end to the relationship. So give them that ending. They simply can’t be the cure to what you’re feeling when they’re the ones that set off a chain reaction. Having said this, you are ultimately responsible for the journey to your healing.

Expect the multitude of emotions and remind yourself what you’re going through is totally normal. Do what you must to feel good about yourself. Like journaling, travelling, hanging out with friends, going home for a bit. Whatever contributes to bettering your mental health.

If things are seemingly not getting better and it’s detracting from your everyday life, seek out your university counsellor or consider seeing a therapist via the NHS or going private. They can help you identify your feelings and equip you with the necessary resources to healing.

Want to know what a healthy relationship looks like? Check out Olivia Petter’s advice on what to look for when you feel ready to date again.